Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I was recently made aware that my stepdaughter does OnlyFans. It was brought to my attention by a nephew. Is it okay to tell her I don’t care how she makes her money as long as she is happy and healthy? Her mom is strung out on drugs, and she doesn’t have a strong bond with her. She is an adult, but I still let her hang out with her half-brother (my son) because they are siblings. My main goal is to make her feel welcome and cared for. If this won’t help her feel that way, I just want to avoid it. I know that she doesn’t share it with her family because they would be very judgmental and nasty about it. I also know that with my being a male, it could be weird coming from me.

—Loving but Not a Fan

Dear Loving,

While it will be somewhat awkward to have this conversation with your stepdaughter—and I think it’s fine if you ultimately decide the situation feels too sensitive and leave it alone—depending on the closeness of your relationship with her, it may be good for her to know she has your support. Sex workers are sometimes made to feel isolated from their families because of their occupation, or as if they could never tell their loved ones how they earn money. I doubt she’s seeking your validation, but it could be helpful for her to hear that a parental figure stands by her without judgment—just be clear that you came by this information unbidden, that you obviously haven’t looked at her page, and underscore your intention “to make her feel welcome and cared for.” This could also position you to be someone she feels she can turn to for advice about her work and as someone who will stand by her if other family members find out and have a negative reaction. If, by some chance, your son finds out what she does, that would be a great opportunity to talk to him about sex work and why we shouldn’t judge, mistreat, or ostracize anyone who does it.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is in the third grade and we’re starting to deal with friendship issues. She’s headed back to school tomorrow after vacation, and she’s been spiraling over the last few days over recess. It sounds like it’s her and two other girls who are besties, but they also fight a lot. My daughter tries to play referee between the two other girls and tries to deescalate the arguments, but then gets in trouble. I advised her to walk away when the other two fight, but I know that’s easier said than done!

I’m thinking of emailing the teacher and asking her what she’s seeing, since I only have my daughter’s perspective. Does that make sense? I do know the moms of the other two girls, though I’m not particularly close with either of them. Once I get a better picture of what’s going on, does it make sense to talk to them? One of the girls gets overwhelmed really easily and melts down/acts out, and the other one has a really fantastical imagination. We do an extracurricular with the first girl and have done playdates with the second, so I know them both and overall, they’re good kids, it sounds like there just might be something going on at recess. Do my thoughts make sense? Is there anything I’m not thinking of?

—Trouble at Recess

Dear Trouble at Recess,

I think it would be wise to get the teacher’s perspective; she may have some insight about the role your daughter plays during these conflicts, and remember: It’s not uncommon for kids to blame their peers when they get in trouble. I also think it’s worth talking to the other girls’ moms. It sounds like these kids want to remain besties, but they’re just having some trouble with conflict resolution. The three of you can get the kids together to discuss the challenges in their friendship and come up with ways to get along better. Also, let your daughter know that while she may want to keep the peace in her crew, sometimes it’s just better to fall back and let your friends handle their issues on their own—especially if she keeps getting caught up when she tries to intervene.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

Our beloved elderly cat, Frankie, was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. We plan to keep him comfortable as long as possible and then put him to sleep. The vet says that could be anywhere from weeks to months from now. Frankie is my husband’s and my first pet. We’ve never gone through this before.

Our 12-year-old daughter, Chloe, doesn’t know he’s sick yet. Frankie has always been her best buddy. He sleeps with her every night, greets her when she comes home from school, and always chooses her lap to sit on. If she asks to be there with him at the end (and I think she probably will ask), should we allow her to be there? If she were a few years older or younger, the answer would be obvious to me, but I feel like she’s at such an in-between age for this. How do I know if she’s old enough?

—Unsure Mom

Dear Unsure Mom,

Chloe is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to be present for Frankie’s final moments. You can talk to her about what that will look like and caution her that it may be emotionally difficult for her to witness. She can let you know if she wishes to be there or if she’d rather not. Don’t wait for things to get worse with Frankie before you tell her that he’s going to pass away. Encourage her to be honest about her feelings and to communicate with you guys as she processes what’s happening. I would also recommend getting her a new kitten not long after your cat passes, when it feels right; Frankie won’t be replaced, but having a new pet to love can help to heal the pain of losing one.

—Jamilah

This post was originally published on this site be sure to check out more of their content.