I’m a longtime Girthmaster subscriber, and only know who Ari (it’s pronounced “Airy” but she’s too shy to correct you) Kytsya because of this collab. Ari and her ratboy ex broke up, so she DM’d the internet’s boyfriend and flew to Australia on a day’s notice for the revenge arc heard ‘round the world. Along for the ride is everyone’s favorite spicy worker Kayla Jade East (Blue Eyed Kayla Jade) known for martinis, snack plates, and a high-profile client nicknamed Peggy Sue, who answers for large deliveries at the backdoor. Ahem.
For the last week or two, RFT’s FYP has been built brick by adorable brick with cutesy videos of Girth and Ari and Kayla. Let’s just say The Mattress Pack marketed this collab a little too close to the sun. I’m so disappointed in this content that I spent my morning dook-scroll looking for German phrases to describe it. I haven’t regretted $60 so much since that time I went on a Feeld date and necked shots of Malört in Naperville, Illinois with a finance bro who got too fucked up to order us an Uber back to his place. Anyway.
First of all, it was shot on an iPhone. Girth has famously mounted a camcorder to a helmet for his videos that cost half as much as this one. This PMO for real. Ari deserves better. We all do.
Did we mention that the going rate for this collab was $60 for 22 minutes of the most awkward, yappy head I have ever seen? The price tag makes me extra grateful that writing about porn is part of my job. I knew we were about to get fucked by tariffs; I just didn’t think the long, hard dick of the law would belong to Girthmaster.
Girthmaster was Pooh Bearin’ it in a white T shirt, while Ari’s stacks of bracelets made jingle bells as she ketchup-bottled that Modelo can dick.If you had the sound off and didn’t know Girthmaster is Australian, you’d think he’s the average Morgan Wallen listener from your hometown. I’m cured of my Girth crush. As far as I’m concerned, his name is Kyle now. This feeling is worse than post-nut clarity, because I couldn’t even get off to it. I’m not buying that replica dildo now. Which, by the way, he sent her home with as a parting gift. Real Kyle energy.
Ari’s awkwardly talking about “playing doctor.” Which I would expect from a 40-year-old mom in a Party City schoolgirl costume giggling through it as she makes her first POV role play video, not from an influencer who begins all her videos with, “So I’m a bop, I’m a mattress actress.”
As for the sex itself, the frottage before the PIV was the hottest part. And as someone who’s seen Girth’s “factory reset” video, that is not something I ever expected to say. This video felt like reading a Reddit post about a guy hooking up with his sister’s friend after years of sexual tension, only to find out that she’s awkward when she’s nervous.
I have buyer’s remorse about the first video. Not even one of Kayla Jade’s martinis, snack plates, and Peggy Sue stories could make this pain go away.
BookTok wants Ari and Girthmaster to fall in love. I think they’re better off as friends who hooked up once and never talked about it again. Unless they want to apply for the next season of 90 Day Fiancé, in which case I say go for it. I’m so sick of Jasmine and Gino.
All in all, Ari & Girthmaster’s collab gave me the same feeling I had after watching The Room for the first time: Indignant, mystified, not as turned on as I should feel after watching a pretty girl fuck. The only difference is this one’s getting a sequel, and it deserves a parody.
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