Q. I’m a 26-year-old male. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a serious relationship, but I recently met this woman and we really hit it off. We’ve been hanging out a lot and always have a great time together. We have very compatible personalities, lots of similar interests, etc.
… but she has an OnlyFans.
She is open about it, and her “content” is not crazy explicit. I’m in a very strange situation. I really don’t care that much about her OnlyFans in a jealous or possessive sense, but my biggest holdup is: What if other people, like my family, found out about it? Then not only would she be judged (harshly), which I wouldn’t want, but I would also be judged for my decision to be with her. Whether that judgement/stigma around sex work is right or wrong, it would happen, and I fear there would be great social consequences for both of us. I know I need to talk to her about my concerns, but I don’t want to come off as judge-y or that I’m trying to make her quit (which I would like, but I don’t think it’s my place to try to force). If we do end up dating, I also don’t want to have this constant anxiety about someone finding her OnlyFans and everything blowing up in my face.
I really, really, really like this girl and want to be with her, but feel like I’m taking on a lot of risk. What do I do?
ONLYCONCERNED
A. My first thought is that your family probably won’t find out about this. Do they even know about OnlyFans? Who would tell them?
I base this on my older family members, who can probably name 10 folk-music websites but have never seen OnlyFans (as far as I know). They might think OnlyFans is only for fans of … jazz.
But I would like to know from our Love Letters community: Have you ever found out that someone you know does this kind of work? Who told you?
Of course, the more important question is whether you can live with judgment from others as you prioritize your own values. What else might your family feel weird about? Are you committed to finding someone who follows their rules? No matter what, you’re going to have to be confident about your path and let your community know it’s all up to you. At some point a loved one will object to what you do. Can you live with that and be strong about it?
A few weeks ago, I met a model who does work for fetish photography (I’m desperate to do a podcast episode about her). She explained that some guys seem fine with her part-time job but change their mind over time. They think they’re super cool with it and then … not so much. I do wonder if the stuff you’re saying about your family’s judgment is more about your own discomfort. You want to be open-minded and confident about this, but it’s OK if you’re not. Maybe you think she’s awesome, but you’re not up to being her boyfriend.
You can tell her that disappoints you. But at least she’ll know where everything stands. Try to be honest with yourself — and her — about how you feel.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
If things progress, you can get an idea of how this fits into her life. Does she see it as a means to an end — e.g. she’s just planning to do it for a couple of years to pay off loans? Or is this something she enjoys and sees as part of her life indefinitely? If it’s shorter-term that might be something you can handle, but if this is going to be something she does for a long time I don’t think you’d be comfortable with that.
DDL314
You’re trying to convince yourself you’d be OK with this. Ask yourself what if she went viral for something and became famous? What if you date her and get serious? What would you think about having children and having them find out about mom’s job? If none of that concerns you, go to town!
WIZEN
Meredith, [the letter writer] is 26. I’m old enough to be his father and I know about OnlyFans. Unless his father is super religious and puritanical, he knows about it, too. So do any siblings (male or female), friends, co-workers … you get it. Eventually someone will find out — maybe from this girl, if she’s not trying to keep it a secret. I mean, she told this guy who she hasn’t been dating all that long, so she may be very open about it.
THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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